Loss of Spunk.. But holding on

Had a great run this morning... only 2 miler.. but pushed myself just a bit and finished in just under 15 mins. so about 7:30ish mile for 2 miles right? Not bad for an old woman! LOL

I have lost a bit of spunk.. not finding much to get excited about with my workouts. But you know its like old habit now so it doesnt have to be exciting.. I just do it. I plan on 8 miler on thursday and I am looking forward to it.

I am a bit frustrated with something that happened on the trail where I run. A crazy guy attacked a man (his wife was with him) with a baseball bat. Thankfully another man (who i actually know) was right there soon after and tackled the crazy man. All this to say... now my hubby is hesitant to want me to run outside before the sun is up. Well.. and when I use to go at 4:30 its durn dark. so I am having to figure out what to do. I am able to do longer runs on Tues and Thursday right at sun up since we have no youth practice on those days (now that school has started) but I just hate I can't just go when I want to. ... all because of one (ok 2) crazy people. (we had another incident at the beginning of the summer).

After my run this morning and after looking at my watch.. I realized I had just done something twice as fast I it use to take me. I use to be a 15 min miler. It use to take about 35 mins for me to get 2 miles in..... thinking about how i did that before with all the extra weight and now with nothing much to carry it makes it sooo much easier and quicker. Blows my mind.

My eats are doing better. I have made sure to balance my carbs, protien, and natural sugars.. its helping.

Mentally I have my ups and downs. Frustration that I have to eat like a diabetic to feel good, frustrated that i have to be so dilegent or I pay the price... frustrated that my "wonderful" Dr said I wasn't diabetic and that "everything is fine". Well... everything is NOT fine. Well.. it is when I eat like I am spose too. Sugar is poison to me. That makes it easy most of the time. But it would be easier mentally if they said "you feel this bad when you eat this way because of xyandz"
of course.. I know why.. i have educated myself and I am still learning. But its still frustrating.
Frustrating that i am not like everyone else. Frustrating that people think i am just some nut job who wont eat cookies and crap at parties because i and a "health freak", frustrating because i was raised to be addicted to sugar, frustrating because I wonder what damage i have done to my body over the past 40 years that cannot be repaired. ....Frustrated that people dont understand why i eat the way I do and then when i am around them THEY feel "guilty" for eating a donut just cause I am there.

The whole social aspect of food is so interesting. People get offended so easily, people assume by my not eating something I am judging them, people feel like they have to tell me that I make them feel guilty for eating this for that. What? hum. ... Just insteresting.

This is my body. I do things the way I do cause I want to feel good and have energy. I hate stomach aches, sleepless nights, and a feeling of being controlled by sweets. I hate being filled with self loath and negativity. I am not perfect and never will be. I am not striving for perfection. .. I am striving to figure out how to feel and be healthy (Lord knows, the doctor and all those tests didnt help any)...

Dont get me wrong, I love being an "inspiration" to people. I love talking health and nutrition and fitness.... I believe many people are misinformed. But in the end... I didnt do this for anyone else. I live this way for me. For the person i am when i eat right, exercise and drink my water :) ... Its a life change that effects other people.. but the central reason is me, myself and I.

I am blessed daily by encouraging words by people who tell me I inspire them. What a blessing! But my story is just that. Mine. Your story is different. Your story can inspire and motivate others too... but when it comes down to it... you cannot do this health and fitness things for anyone else but YOU. You must decide what you want and change. Daily focus on what your goal is, and picking yourself up when you stumble. Change is hard. But it's worth it. Dont feel bad for doing something for yourself. Dont feel selfish for changing your life even though it bothers other people around you. Because if God can use me, my simple story ... then he can use anyone.

Life is too short to have regrets, to wish we were different and not do something about it. I dreamed there would be a day when I would be happy, healthy and strong. I praise God for seeing me through and guiding me along the way. I praise God for giving me inspirational stories through other people but at the same time turning inward for self discovery.

So, I sit here... in a bit of a uninspired atmosphere wondering what I can do next that I can get excited about. Another marathon goal is great but for some reason I want to do more. I just can't figure it out yet... I know God has a plan.. so I am doing my thang and just letting him lead... I will hold on to the bar until I know what to do next.